k.marie

Knowin’ you the best part of life, do I have the right to take yours
‘Cause I created you irresponsibly
Subconsciously knowin’ the act I was a part of
The start of somethin’, I’m not ready to bring into the world
Had myself believin’ I was sterile

I look into mother’s stomach, wonder if you are a boy or a girl
Turnin’ this woman’s womb into a tomb
But she and I agree, a seed we don’t need
You would’ve been much more than a mouth to feed
But someone, I woulda fed this information I read

To someone, my life for you I woulda had to leave
Instead I lead you to death
I’m sorry for takin’ your first breath, first step, and first cry
But I wasn’t prepared mentally nor financially
Havin’ a child shouldn’t have to bring out the man in me
Plus I wanted you to be raised within’ a family

I don’t wanna, go through the drama of havin’ a baby’s momma
Weekend visits and buyin’ J’s ain’t gon’ make me a father
For a while bearing a child is somethin’ I never wanted to do
For me to live forever I can only do that through you

Nerve I got to talk about them niggaz with a gun
Must have really thought I was God to take the life of my son
I could have sacrificed goin’ out
To think my homies who did it I used to joke about, from now on

I’ma use self control instead of birth control
‘Cause 315 dollars ain’t worth your soul
315 dollars ain’t worth your soul
315 dollars ain’t worth it

I, never dreamed you’d leave, in summer
You said you would be here when it rained
(Common)
Yo, why didn’t you stay?

Seeing you as a present and a gift in itself
You had our child in you, I probably never feel what you felt
But you dealt with it like the strong black woman you are
Through our trials and tribulations, child’s elimination
An integration of thoughts I feel about the situation

Back and forth my feelings was pacin’
Happy deep down but not joyed enough to have it
But even that’s a lie in less than two weeks, we was back at it
Is this unprotected love or safe to say it’s lust
Bustin’, more than the sweat in somebody you trust

Or is it that we don’t trust each other enough
And believe, havin’ this child’ll make us have to stay together
Girl I want you in my life ‘cause you have made it better
Thinkin’ we all in love ‘cause we can spend a day together

We talkin’ spendin’ the rest of our lives
It’s too many black women that can say they mothers
But can’t say that they wives
I wouldn’t chose any other to mother my understanding
But I want our parenthood to come from planning

It’s so much in my life that’s undone
We gotta see eye to eye, about family, before we can become one
If you had decided to have it the situation I wouldn’t run from
But I’m walkin’, findin’ myself in my God
So I can, discipline my son with my writin’

Not have a judge tellin’ me how and when to raise my seed
Though his death was at our greed, with no one else to blame
I had a book of Afrikan names, case our minds changed
You say your period hasn’t came and lately I’ve been sleepy
So quit smokin’ the weed and the beadies and let’s have this boy

I, never dreamed you’d leave in summer
You said you would be here when it rained
You said you would be here when it rained
Ohh I, never dreamed you’d leave in summer
Now the situation’s made things change

Things change, why, didn’t you stay?
Why didn’t you stay?
I, never dreamed you’d leave, in summer, in summer
You said you would be here when, it rained
When it rained, it rained

Ohooh I, never dreamed, you’d leave in summer
You said you wouldn’t leave
Now the situation’s made things change
Things change, why didn’t you stay?
Stay, stay, stay, stay, stay, stay, stay
Mmm, stay, uh-uh, oh, why didn’t you stay?

So tonight I reach for my journal again. This is the first time I’ve done this since I came to Italy. What I write in my journal is that I am weak and full of fear. I explain that Depression and Loneliness have shown up, and I’m scared they will never leave. I say that I don’t want to take the drugs anymore, but I’m frightened I will have to. I am terrified that I will never really pull my life together.
In response, somewhere from within me, rises a now-familiar presence, offering me all the certainties I have always wished another person would say to me when I was troubled. This is what I find myself writing on the page:

I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long. I will stay with you. If you need the medication again, go ahead and take it—I will love you through that, as well. If you don’t need the medication, I will love you, too. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and Braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.